I spent the first part of the morning today pouring through old blog entries from High School though my dead journal. Looking back at the teenage angst and constant drama is super entertaining. I find myself cursing 10th grade Cami for not updating more often. I only remember a handful of things I had written about, so it is like reading the life of a super dramatic stranger. If I had a penny for every time I came across the phrase "tears flowed down my cheeks"... or "this was the worst day of my life", I would have enough for a student loan payment.
What it made me realize is that 10 years from now, I will be a stranger to myself. I can barely remember what I did last week, let alone last year. Life is made up of small moments. Sure I could write about all of the fun trips we go on, or big family events, but then I miss out on the small nuances that actually make up 99.9% of life. I miss out on the fact that Zoey calls yellow "lello" or Abbey nearly choked on a holographic sticker this morning (which isn't really an uncommon occurrence here...). So I am rededicating myself to blogging...so 10 years from now, I can laugh and think "Man...being a mom of 2....
Derek and I share a car. Not ideal, but we would rather spend our money on family trips and experiences than another car at this moment. So when I need to go somewhere during the day, I drive him to work. Today it was pouring rain when we left. Zoey wore her pink rain boots for the 1000th time this year, and I pulled Abbey out of bed in her jammies. I swear, Zoey is OBSESSED with her boots. She would wear those things to sleep if she could. After dropping Derek off at work, we headed to the dentist for Zoey's first appointment! The hygienist was so good with her....afterward, zo couldn't stop talking about the funny spinning toothbrush and the cotton candy toothpaste she got.
After coming home, I manically cleaned the house so I could tutor. I have a 3rd grade student who comes to my house in the afternoons because she does 1/2 day school. It is the perfect situation for me, because Abbey naps, and I usually put on a show for Zoey upstairs. During the session, I quickly ran up to check on Zoey only to find she had dumped an entire bottle of electric blue nail polish all over the floor. Yeah. You know that feeling where your heart sinks, and rage fills your head? Me too. One wet and dry vac, an entire bottle of nailpolish remover, and a whole lot of oxyclean later, I was able to get it out. Thank-freaking-goodness!! We grounded Zoey from shows for the rest of the week...I think the punishment fit the crime.
Being a stay at home mom is a huge blessing. It is nice that Derek and I don't have to extensively coordinate schedules, and it is nice that I am always around for whatever the girls need. That isn't to say it isn't a sacrifice. Sometimes I feel like I am forever latched to these two tiny humans that I barely remember what it's like to be me anymore. My emotions are so intertwined in these girls that it is sometimes difficult to find the joy in life outside of them. I find joy in watching the girls play at the playground, seeing Zoey riding the rides at Busch Garden, and experiencing Abbey's excitement around animals. But outside of the kids, what gives me joy? I'm not exactly sure.
Maybe this is something that all moms go through. I only hope that when the kids grow up, I'm not left as a shell as a person. I want to be someone who is full of life. Someone who exudes happiness and joy and laughter. I don't want to be sitting on the sidelines; I want to be in on the action. How do people hold onto that joy after the thrill of living has worn off?
2 comments:
I am so excited to hear about your mundane life. (Except that it isn't mundane, it is actually the opposite). I love you and your little family.
Oh Cami, you will never be a shell of a person. Granted being a mom does change you but you'll always be full of life and joy. You are so fun and help make the mundane things become spontaneous and an adventure! Everyone needs more people like you! Although being a stay at home, I completely understand and feel the same way. At least you have tutoring to help!
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