It's been a hard week for me. After Derek hurt his shoulder, I couldn't stop asking "Why?" I could handle myself getting hurt. Sure I would be in pain, but it wouldn't seriously alter my life. I could still do the things I love, and ultimatly, I am the one with insurance. We wouldn't have to worry about how we are going to cover the medical bills and physical therapy. I wouldn't have to sit up at night wondering if Derek is going to be able to Rock Climb again, or Snowboard, or ride ATVs. I feel so protective over Derek. I can't even explain how much I love him, and how much more I love him every day. I can't imagine life without him. He means everything to me, and I would do anything for him; and it just kills me to see him in pain. Whats worse, I feel like I can't do anything about it. I try to buy him surprises, and wake up with him to get him medicine, and help him with anything he needs, but I know he still is in pain. It kills me.
When I am upset, I become irrational. I couldn't stop thinking that the reason he got hurt was because we were spending too much money. Like we were being punished for spending money on new couches and a new dining room area and going on our month long road trip, and going out and doing fun things all the time. We never dipped below our emergency stash of 1,000 dollars, but we got too close for comfort in my mind. I know it sounds crazy, but the thought keeps on replaying itself in my mind over and over, and the anxiety it is creating for me is suffocating.
I hate situations that I don't have control over. I don't know whats going to happen in this case. I know its so silly to be this upset over a couple torn ligaments, but I keep thinking "What if had been more serious?" "What if we had to pay for everything on our own" "What if Derek never fully recovers?"
In the end I just have to do my best, and leave the rest up to the Lord. I know he watches out for us.
1 comment:
Cami, I feel for you babe! I am praying that the surgery today is successful! I doubt his accident is to teach you a lesson but the lessons that you learn from this trial will improve your life for many years to come! If you choose to learn from the experiences thrown at us in life they become blessings! Who wouldn’t want more blessings!
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