Blast from the Past

It is weird being back in Michigan. I know I grew up here, but I feel like nothing is the same. Sure, there's Meijer and the Summit, but when almost everyone I knew has moved away, it's just different. I spent a good two hours yesterday reading through old journal entries and Facebook conversations. Being back gives me the urge to look back on my past. Here's what I discovered from my temporary time-warp. 

- I used to be a lot funnier. Especially when writing. Maybe had less inhibitions. I prided myself on being weird. Now I pride myself on being like everyone else. It's a little sad that I've lost some of my silly. Sure I do silly things now and again, but for the most part, not really. I guess that's part of growing up. Getting married. Having a child. Your personality evens out. A lot. 

- I LOVED boys. Boys boys boys. I needed a boy in my life to feel like I had any self-worth. It's a little sad that I felt like that. I put up with boys I didn't really like for far too long, just because I liked the way they made me feel. Having a boyfriend was the most important thing to me. 

- I was fickle and unsure of myself. I changed my mind every day it seemed. Once my mind was made up, it only took a tiny thing to change it. Especially with boys. 

- My heart was hurt for a long time after Jeff and I broke up in High School. It's too bad that I wasted so much time sad over that. Compared to Derek, Jeff was chump change. I wonder how many months of crying I could have saved myself if I had just been able to see the future! 

- I didn't deserve Kevin. Reading back to when we were dating, I couldn't help but cringe. He was SO great to me. I mean, honestly, you couldn't get a nicer guy. My heart just wasn't completely in it, and I always felt guilty. I am just SO glad he found an amazing girl after his mission. Couldn't be happier for them! 

- When I started dating Derek, I fell in love with him almost immediately. I have never been more excited over a guy. Like we were made for each other. I still feel the same. Sometimes it's still surreal that we are married. Our first kiss was almost seven years ago. 

So blast-from-the-past. Here I am now. I am a lot more emotionally mature. I don't cry at the drop of a hat or freak out over nothing. I am usually pretty happy, and rarely sad. I'm more of a home-body than I was before. Not that I love being at home all the time - but it doesn't make me sad if I am at home. Friends are harder to make than they were in college. When you are emotionally out of wack, people seem to bond together a lot easier. I am pretty easy-going these days. I love being a mom, and I love having my family. I still have anxiety over talking to people - especially asking favors. I think that's going to be a lifetime struggle. I also have a hard time believing that people like me. I don't get sad about it, it just gets in the way of developing strong friendships. I try to be a lot more outgoing than I am. I think that's natural though. I can talk to almost anyone, but I have to talk myself into starting a conversation. I am happy with who I've become, but I want to be stronger in the gospel. That has never come naturally for me. 

So that's it. I wonder what I'll think 10 years from now. When I have a bunch of kids running around... Will life be crazier? Will I be the same? I guess time will tell